One more

Posted in Uncategorized on January 31, 2009 by infernalcthulhu

The Long Way There

I live so far from where I work
that they call it a commute instead of a drive
commuters like to complain
over the sound of traffic reports and car horns
that their good mileage for an SUV
and their travel mugs and their books on tape
don’t make up for the lost time
they would have wasted sleeping anyway
personally I wish the commute were longer
I leave early, before even the birds are awake
and take the long way there
because I’m the only one that knows
that God exists mostly in the morning
on empty backroads
with no headlights in my mirror

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Poems

Posted in Uncategorized on January 31, 2009 by infernalcthulhu

I’ve been writing poems lately. Now I’ve got more… enjoy =)

Hotel Grey

The doors never open
at the hotel grey
tenants gave up hope and
lost their way
rustle and whisper
like bats in a tomb
writhe and blister
a tragedy in every room
at the hotel grey
souls don’t ever leave
time got away
before they could grieve

Grind, Whisper

The grind and the whisper
of another night gone wrong
awake cradling my swollen fears
that moan and pull at me
like the yawning black
stretching beyond the windows
of a long vacant house
you can scream that you love me
and pound your fists into my chest
but honey that fear of God
is a stong one by any measure
and the Devil’s always smiling
telling me whatever I want to hear
whatever it is that keeps me near

Cancer

First cigarettes, then coffee
stretch like a black cat in a window
just another day in the theatre of tragedy
you made of your life
collecting sad stories like lucky pennies
found on sidewalks
you knew that I knew what you did
but I never said anything, because
what we had was sweet on the outside
and sick in the middle
like a little girl with cancer
we were just dreaming anyway
naked, silent little dreams

Morning

Posted in Uncategorized on January 20, 2009 by infernalcthulhu

The birds are always up first
twittering contentedly
in the grey before the dawn
I rest my chin on the window sill
to watch as the sun rises
presenting itself to the world
in all it’s shining magnificence
bathing everything in a soft yellow light
making the morning dew twinkle gently
on all the crap in the back yard

The Man In Black

Posted in Uncategorized on January 18, 2009 by infernalcthulhu

Got the idea today that I’d like to write a creepy little poem. I worked most of the morning on it. Its interesting how badly it started; no organization, widely varied number of syllables in each line, etc etc… I rewrote it like 5 times before I got the swing of it. This was new for me and I’m pretty happy with the results. Anyway, here it is:

Beneath the lamp at the end of my street
the man dressed in black smiles when we meet
I’m a fairy he says with a wicked grin
out trawlin for some of that sweet sweet sin
I can give you anything (false though it be)
as long as you surrender your soul to me
I can sing in nearly every tongue
I can dance and whisper and keep you young
because my business deals in forever
and in always and in never
when my souls start to scream (and they all scream)
I just spin for them a little dream
anything to keep them pacified
anything to keep them by my side

Updates…

Posted in Uncategorized on January 4, 2009 by infernalcthulhu

Sorry everyone for the infrequent (or completely halted) updates. Life at the moment, although stilted and boring leaves very little energy left to write a blog. Its not a lack of time thats the issue, but a lack of patience or ability to put down my thoughts…

Anyway its not as if I have a ton of regular readers.

So heres a few updates:

Writing again, and resumed work on The Devil’s Due. I spent much of the morning rewriting it in third person before I realized that many of the ideas I wanted to put across didn’t work as well in third, so I scrapped that project and worked a little where I left off months ago. Got another page and a half, which is alright considering I havent thought about the story in almost 4 months. Funny how quickly those little breaks turn into a giant empty hole in your life.

Living in Aimee’s dad’s house. Thus far its pretty unpleasant. Thats not to say I don’t appreciate what he has done for us, because I absolutely do, but he is a difficult/blunt/critical man, and as it turns out I am really sensitive and tend to avoid any and all conflict and social discomfort. I’m not sure I have the capacity to deal with the tension in the house, but I also have nowhere to go so I feel like I’m living in a corner at the moment.

I have 6minutes left on my download of the movie “Puffball” which looks really messed up and totally awesome. We’ll see how it turns out. It looks like a real mindfuck, but the trailer is a little scant on the details of the actual plot, though it looks like there may be some lovecraftian stuff going on there, which is always good. Trailer here:

Breathlessly awaiting the release of “Coraline” a stop motion animation (yay!) adaptation of the book by Neil Gaiman, who I love. Despite Dakota Fanning doing the voice of Coraline (you ruined the rerelease of Totoro I hate you) it looks fantastic. Added bonus: it’ll appear in theaters in 3d! Exciting, and also means I will most likely have to see it in Boston. heres a trailer for that one:

In other Neil Gaiman related news, Neil will not answer my letters asking about the curiously named Hotel Dolphin that appears in his novel Anansi Boys (which is splendid by the way) The reason I’m so interested in the hotel is because the Hotel Dolphin is the name of the haunted hotel in Stephen King’s “1408”, as well as the mysterious hotel in both “A Wild Sheep Chase” and “Dance Dance Dance” by Haruki Murakami. I can’t help feeling that it isn’t a coincidence.

I am currently reading “The Thief of Always” by Clive Barker, and I really love it. Its one of those books written as if it were intended for a child but came out far too creepy to be read by anyone but unbalanced adults. I love those.

I am also reading a financial book by Suze Orman, per the request of Aimee’s father. Its quite informative but the section I enjoyed most thus far had to do with taking the time to get a career you enjoy and worry about making money later. I don’t think that’ll work out in my life, but it was nice to read anyway and for a brief shining moment I really believed that I can be anything I want. Then of course I remembered where I’m at in life, which is more or less unemployed, mentally unstable (and deteriorating faster than ever before, hurrah!) broke as hell and in an uncomfortable living situation where I have basically agreed to never ever spend an extra nickel on myself, and I’m fairly certain that would include college courses.
Its not like I know what I want to do anyway =(

That cat downstairs won’t stop crying and its making me crazy.

The Office and 30 Rock need to quit dickin around and air a couple new episodes already.

The Fountain soundtrack is amazing. (As is the movie and you need to see it if you plan on dying someday.)

I must be old because 2 years ago I could eat as much as I want and never gain weight. Now I can eat almost nothing and never lose an ounce.

Upon closer inspection, Tom Waits is pretty awesome and I’m glad I took the time to download the Raindogs album because its a masterpiece and I didn’t give it a fair shake in the past.

I think Vicodin should be prescribed as an antidepressant, because it hardly does anything at all. To hear someone was taking Vicodin you’d assume they’d be all loopy and retarded like they just left the dentists office or woke up from surgery, but its not liek that at all. Anyway, Vicodin and anti depressants attempt to do the same thing, don’t they? They (try to) take the pain out of life.

I need more story ideas.

My boss’ son is interesting. His name is nathan and hes maybe 9 months old now. Shawn is really fascinated by watching what new things Nathan learns to do everyday, and I can’t blame him. It really is very cool to watch a mind develop. He just learned to crawl and man that kid can move. He is also really happy all the time and rarely cries, which I imagine is rare and probably makes parenting way less difficult than it could be. I honestly don’t htink I could handle a baby crying all the time. People say its different when its your kid but I still dont see how I could ever have the mental capacity to deal with somethign in the house that is always screaming and cannot be consoled, it sounds terrible. If I had a collichy baby I think I’d lose whats left of my mind.

I don’t know what to do with my life. I like flooring but given that I havent worked in a month (except 3 days last week) I’m not sure if its something I should count on. Shawn makes 8Ok most summers and maybe 20 during the winter, which is great. Vinyl flooring specifically is also a job that requires very little money to stay supplied. All you need to buy consistantly is razorblades, tar paper, and (far less often) staples. On the downside of the job though, is that whenever the economy gets into a slump the first people to feel it are the construction guys. (Actually its probably realtors, but we’re nearly first on the chopping block at any rate.) The money is also inconsistant to a certain degree, but it only effects me now because I’m carrying the tools around for 13 bucks an hour. Shawn makes enough that it doesnt really matter if he has a slow week once in awhile.

I don’t know. Ideally I’d be doing something that I love, not something that I can tolerate just because half of the day is spent driving around and the hours go by quickly. I worry that its too late for me. I know 24 isn’t old in the long run but given the mess i’ve managed to make and the number of bridges i’ve burned, i don’t think i’ll ever be far enough out of the hole to make a change.

I guess thats it for right now. I will post The Devil’s Due after I work on it a bit.

Winter Blues

Posted in Uncategorized on December 11, 2008 by infernalcthulhu

Once again the construction industry has left me with no work and a question mark hanging over my head, wondering what to do next. Shawn (my boss) and I spent the last few weeks bragging about how the bad economy hasn’t touched us, but I suppose we spoke too soon. Suddenly we had nothing at all to do and I spent 2 weeks thinking it was a fluke and that it’d pass, so… rent is due in two days and who knows if we’ll cover it!

I’d like to move on to another career, but I can’t decide if I’m jumping the gun. I’ve ben doing flooring forever and its the only thing I know how to do. If I had stayed commited years ago I’d be doing it alone by now and probably making a decent living. Of the 5 major flooring stores on cape, shawn can’t work for 4 of them because of past flip-outs or disputes/burned bridges, etc.  I know that If I were doing floors myself I wouldn’t be in this position because I don’t have it in me to argue with authority, even when they deserve it. (Which, having been there for the 4 so called disputes, they certainly do.)

Pretty much I’m left wondering if a career change is in order, or if I’m just being melodramatic. I’m not being melodramatic because we really are in a lot of trouble, but I just don’t know if starting all over again is really worth it, or even feasible.

I was considering pursuing a career as a truck driver. Wag your finger all you want, but when i check out the want ads (about 8 hours a day) the only available positions I ever see are for RNs and CDL drivers. God knows I don’t want to be a nurse, and I happen to enjoy driving jobs very much, so it may work. I have never in my life made more than 15k per year. Maybe I’ve gotten up around 18 some years, but typically I have rarely made more in total than minimum wage, so pretty much anything higher than that, and consistent, would be a treat for me.

In other news, I have decided not to talk to my parents, atleast for a few onths if not years. I let them know how scared we were of being homeless blah blah blah and they wouldnt listen to a word I had to say. Granted I have not been the model of work ethic or responsibility in my life, but this is a serious situation and if they didn’t want to offer to help then I would have settled for an attentive ear, jsut for a few minutes. I just got the brush off. Maybe they’re right, I really don’t have the odds stacked against em on this one… Its not like the country has seen a record breaking, even historic number of lay-offs this year.. I mean theres tons of jobs out there and basically no one trying to fill them. Its easy to get hired because all the businesses are doing so well, they need new people constantly to keep up with the ever rising consumer demand. I’m just not looking hard enough. And what those big companies really want is an inexperienced uneducated 23 year old with a spotty work history. So I should really be fine. Anyway my point is that as lame as the “i hate you mom and dad” statement is, things are bad enough without being basically laughed at, so I’m not going to humiliate myself letting these people know whats wrong if they’re not going to listen, its jsut insult to injury and who needs it? Thats the end of them.

Anyway, Shawn has 2 measures with Peter Army (owner of post road vinyl) tomorrow, so hopefully we’ll hear something about upcoming work… WIsh me luck!

Home Coming

Posted in Uncategorized on August 25, 2008 by infernalcthulhu

Returning home after a long time away feels much the way I imagine it would to be a ghost. The rest of the world keeps spinning but I feel like I’ve stepped back in time. Or at any rate, expected nothing to have changed. I suppose that nothing really did change, except the seasons.
In the great scheme of things, I really wasn’t away from home for all that long. Six months isn’t that long, but to me it feels like I’ve returned to my boyhood home after growing into an old man, and finding the town and it’s characters still doing the exact same thing they were when I left. Its an odd feeling, and I can’t help feeling like I’m just drifting through here and tomorrow I’ll wake up back on the west coast in that piece of shit apartment with no damn job again.
Maybe the time spent away from home feels like such an eternity because the experience has aged me considerably. Maybe I feel old just because California was so thoroughly exhausting, both mentally due to the stress of impending failure/homelessness, and physically because its so damn hot that five minutes in California feels like a lifetime of hard labor and poverty.
It amazes me how much of Cape Cod I took for granted, never taking the time to stop and appreciate the little things that make this place great. True, pretty much every person living on Cape is a douche or an alcoholic, but the air is wonderful here. Its sad that you can’t smell it anymore once you’ve lived here long enough, but coming over the bridge we rolled the windows down and that smell of saltwater and beach plums filled the car. I love that smell.
I also missed the sound of crickets. This one I actually did bother to appreciate, its a sound I’ve always loved, and I mentioned many times in California how badly I missed it. Apparently I underestimate how badly I missed that sound, because every time I step outside I take a few seconds to really listen to it. There are SO MANY of them. Trying to imagine the sound of crickets, I’d picture three or four of them, and even that was splendid. In reality though, there are so many that they make their own kind of atmosphere; a less tangible one. A blanket of noise that surrounds you just like air.
Later this week I’ll walk down to Week’s pond and let the peepers sing for me too.
Another thing that California simply doesn’t have is stars. Auburn wasn’t a huge city, and if you looked up you could certainly see that the stars still existed, but it just wasn’t the same out there. Looking up from my parent’s driveway, you can really see the depth of space and the distance between each star. The longer you look, the more appear. In California, the stars are there, but really with none of the depth or majesty you get here. Its more like someone left little pinpricks in a black ceiling. They aren’t even all that bright, more a smattering of dull grayish spots.
The smell here, as I mentioned earlier, is fantastic. Not just that beach smell, but the night smell too. You know, that night smell? Its like air, except you can’t breathe enough of it and every breath leaves you feeling freer and more elated. California smells like dust during the day and car exhaust at night.

Aimee and I have quite a few things to look forward to here. I plan to resume floor installation where I left off, and Aimee hopes to resume her career at CVS where she left off as well. I hope she gets the job, but she is amazing and will figure out something to do either way, I’m not worried about it at all.
My parents advised many times against living with Shawn and Carrie, and although I think it’d be cool for the first few days, I must admit they are right. I don’t want to impose either, but we didn’t have much choice. Anyway when it became apparent that we weren’t changing our minds about the living situation they decided to let us live here again, however briefly and with a few ground rules. We have to be on our way out, no setting up camp and staying indefinitely as we did last time. No wasting money on crap and not working consistently. We have to be constantly searching for an apartment and should set our sights on being out in a few weeks.
While it is difficult to hear so many rules and regulations from my folks, I understand completely and am glad they’re being hard on us this time around; its so easy to let yourself get complacent.
Apparently they also took out a life insurance policy on me when i was born, and have been paying extra into it since then. They took all the “extra” money they’ve put into it so far and will be giving it to us to get us started. Its nice they found a way to help us, considering that my dad spent most of the year unemployed, though they did warn that if i kick the bucket tomorrow i’ll have to be buried in a pine box, crackhead style. Thats alright with me, pine is relatively weak and if I’m buried alive or come back from the dead, I want a coffin that won’t be too hard to claw through.

All that being said, I’d like to rant briefly about the aggravation involved in driving 3300 miles in five days. Many apologies to Peter Parkour, who i’ve never met personally but seems to be a good guy,but I’ve officially had about enough of truckers to last me a lifetime. Why is it that a trucker feels its alright to nearly kill someone cutting them off in the passing lane at the last possible second, then spending the next 20 miles creeeeeping past another trucker? Can’t they see that I’m doing 90 in a corolla and that if he/she waited 2 seconds I’d be literally miles down the road and out of sight? I’d also like to point out to everyone else that passing lane means PASSING lane. If you aren’t PASSING anyone then you don’t need to be in the PASSING LANE. Thats why its called the passing lane and not the drift-along-like-an-asshole-stupidly-unaware-that-there-are-40-cars-tailgating-you-and-you-are-causing-a-massive-obstruction-in-traffic-lane. Maybe they should call it something else, since no one uses it the way its intended to be used anyway. Every state and it’s drivers have their own attitude/demeanor as far as ignorant jackass driving goes. In New Jersey they could call it the Fuck You Lane. In Indiana they could call it the skipitty-doo. If you’re visiting from out of state you could call it the Default Lane, or the Too Chickenshit To Move Over Lane.

Alright then, thats enough for now. I go back to work tomorrow.

I’d also like to apologize to anyone whos comments I haven’t responded to, I’ve just been busy and will get around to it tomorrow most likely.