Sad…

So I’ve been keeping track of which of my posts get the highest ratings. WordPress has this great system that tracks how people actually got to your blog and if they came from a search engine what they had typed into the search engine. As it turns out, my all time highest blog featured the phrase “rape movie” which is precisely how everyone found it. 
This is somewhat depressing, but also interesting. So, I’m going to conduct a bit of an experiment. Below this line I’m going to type every depraved sex act, definition, body part and pornstar I can think of and see what happens to my Blog’s popularity. Feel free to peruse the list for your own amusement, even add a few of your own, but if you offend easily, I’d suggest just skipping this entry entirely.

And away we go:

rape movie, Boner, tits, pussy, rod, shaft, penis, dick, dong, hog, cock, balls, testicles, juggs, ass, anus, anal, butthole, cameltoe, panties, nipples, boobs, hummer, blowjob, bj, suck, lick, tongue, gag, fuck, fucking, sex, schoolgirl, cheerleader, jenna jameson, leah luv, ron jeremy, peter north, long dong silver, hooker, whore, slut, nympho, skank, BDSM, sado masochism, fetish, free porn, free porn movies, free porn download, free sex, hot teen, hot coeds, hot milf, hot gramma, hot for teacher, gangbang, orgy, track lighting, smoking jacket, perversion, forbidden sex, wet, juicy, cans, hot carl, angry dragon, dirty sanchez, cleveland steamer, doggystyle, piledriver, reverse cowgirl, union of the monkey, 69, feet, foot fetish, hairy fetish, smoking fetish, balloon fetish, beastiality, zoophilia, latex, buttplug, dildo, vibrator, masturbation, handcuffs, loonies, looners, furries, penetration, insertion, virgin, virginity, pee, pissing, piss, urine, ejaculation, squirt, squirting, cumming, gushing, man goo, semen, sperm, giz, facial, golden shower, clown porn, midgets, midget sex, amputee sex, bondage, torture, medical fetish, hentai and farting on cakes (yes thats a real thing)

Thats all I can think of. Now lets watch those ratings soar…

Blah Blah

I’ve decided to put The Devil’s Due on hold for a bit. I like the story a lot so far but I’ve gotten stuck on what to do next. The story itself needs to go one for quite a bit longer to resolve anything, and I feel like I’ve bit off more than I can chew for a first story. I’m hoping if I let it simmer for a bit I’ll be hit with some revelation that’ll let me know exactly what to do with it.

Not I’m jotting down ideas for other stories. I’d like to try something smaller. An interesting happening not a big elaborate tale about a boy outsmarting the devil. I figure I’ll get more out of the whole process that way.

I miss Aimee. She’s in Las Vegas for work. I like when she goes on business trips, the distance makes us appreciate each other more when she comes home. Not that we don’t appreciate each other, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, theres that.

The Devil’s Due, Continued

Well I’ve been working more on The Devil’s Due. I didn’t have much of a plan for the story to start with, which is sort of biting me in the ass. I am definitely getting somewhere, but since I planned nothing, the story tends to be pretty sloppy when I first get it down. Actually, it stays pretty sloppy through the second and third rewrite as well. I know that as I go on, this will get easier. Its really difficult to spot any of the problems I might if I were reading someone else’s work. (Why is it that you can read someone else’s work with such clarity, but reading your own stuff id like trying to proofread in a drunken fog? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?)

Not sure how I feel about the story of the Old Well. I like the story and it will play a part in the rest of this, but I wasn’t sure how it came out. Aimee said that it was repetitive,  and indeed she was right (mad as I may have been at her for saying it) The problem there was that I was trying to keep a monologue about an Old Well going, but running out of ways to say “the old well” and “no one”. Originally, the story came out something like this;
“Old well, well, well, old well, no one old well, no one no one no one no one no one no one no one, old well the well old well.”
I rewrote it, but as I didn’t realize the problem the first way through, I truly have no idea what to expect from it now.

As for the rest, well… I like it, but I haven’t rewritten it at all. I certainly labored over it for quite awhile, but I want to give it a few days before I go back to it. Give it some distance, hopefully I can see it a bit more clearly then. I just HAD to put it up here because I’m excited with where the story is going.

Anyway, before reading it, (if anyone reads it) please keep in mind that it is a fairly rough draft. Let me know if there are any errors or distracting repetition. (in the description of the thing I ran out of ways to say “it” “the thing” “the creature” and although I tried to keep it varied, I’m not sure how it will read to someone else and I’m not sure how to fix it exactly…

The Devil’s Due

So I’m finally going to post what I’ve been writing…
I’m nervous about it, since pretty much all the people who read this blog (all 5 or 6 of you) are actual writers, and I am just an inexperienced fledgling, playing with words in my spare time… I will say that I am very proud of what I’ve done so far. The story obviously isn’t finished yet, but these 5 pages are by no means finished either. I’ve rewritten them a a bit so they’d be presentable enough to put in public, but I imagine I’ll rewrite it a hundred times before I can really call it finished.
Anyway, this is the first time I’ve ever really tried to write anything. I’ve bought countless brand new notebooks in the past, telling myself I’d start writing, and up until this week, I’ve never done it. I don’t know what exactly set the fire this time around, but I’ve written a page a day for five days, and it has been the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Writing is unbelievably difficult, but the finished result, even in it’s unpolished (and somewhat embarrassing) form, makes me feel terrific.

The areas I had the most trouble with (feel free to offer advice) were:

- Writing an exchange of dialogue is difficult. Its hard to say who is talking to who without describing every little action and who is facing who and who turns towards who etc etc and making the whole thing very cumbersome, or even repetitive. (How many ways can you tell a character to facer someone. Tom turned to, tom met ___’s gaze, tom faced ____ etc etc etc

- Giving padding to a scene. I never have enough material to keep characters in a room for more than a page, maybe two. I know this is a short story, but still.

- Sometimes there is too much to describe. I can see what I want to happen in my head, but describing all of it would take you miles away from the plot and by the time you get back you’d most likely have forgotten what was going on.

- When to put a break. Do you have to divide action and dialogue. Should the format be:
“Dialogue” character action “Dialogue” Character action etc etc

or:

“Dialogue”
Character action
“Dialogue”

On a similar note, you’ll notice when I have a character answering another I’ll write it as so:
“well” he said, blah blah blah “rest of the dialogue goes in here”
I do this because I think if i write all the character’s dialogue before IMMEDIATELY declaring who it is and what they’re doing, that the reader won’t know who it is either. But it feels stupid to constantly follow the same template with every paragraph. On the same level, I don’t want to just do
“dialogue”
“dialogue”
“dialogue”
because its so easy to get lost.

Anyway, I made another “Page” so you wouldn’t have to scroll through a mile long post if you didn’t feel like reading the story. The link is here:   http://infernalcthulhu.wordpress.com/the-devils-due/ (or click “The Devil’s Due” in the box under my About section.)

It is awfully difficult to spot any inconsistencies or difficult-to-read passages when its your own story, so if anyone notices anything, please let me know, I’ll try to be tough about it, lol.

http://infernalcthulhu.wordpress.com/the-devils-due/

Hm…

wouldn’t it be great if there was a website where you could look up curious dialect from around the world, or even a particular era? What I really need is an old timey clever way of saying that its damn hot outside. You know, something smart alecky southern twang, like an idiot trying to imitate Bagger Vance might say.
“Nice shot, suh. I reckon that ball would thank you for the ride if it could, suh.”
Like that. but about the weather. not golf balls.

A Sad Song

A Sad Song

Posted in Uncategorized on August 2, 2008 by infernalcthulhu

Wendy Posted a blog asking for everyone’s pick for an all time favorite makes me cry every time song. I liked the post because, although I’m not too weepy of a guy, I have been a fairly depressed/somber sort of guy most of my life, so I’ve spent a lot of time listening to that sort of stuff… I think that music can be really amazing and touching, if you have an ear for the songs that matter. (This is why I hate people who just LOVE Nickelback or Maroon 5.)

Although I wasn’t tagged, I’m going to write a little post, chronicling what I think are the greatest make-me-cry songs I’ve ever heard. I think the songs that hit the hardest are the simple, little songs. Right now I’m really liking a song I just discovered. I’s surprised since I loathe all things emo, but despite the somewhat whiny vocals, the song is really good and of course features a video with bunnies that kills me every time I watch it. Anyway, here it is;

Death Cab For Cutie – “I Will Follow You Into The Dark”

Did you watch until the end? If you didn’t watch to the end then it doesn’t have the same feeling!

One of the most devastating songs I’ve ever heard is one by Mark Lanegan called Strange Religion. Mark Lanegan is one of my favorite musicians because he is also a pretty dark and morose kind of guy, but he just takes all that and makes it really beautiful. Some parts of my condition (yes it is a condition, although I hate calling it that) make life really difficult, but some parts of depression are so beautiful, and most people don’t see things the same way, its like they’re missing out. I don’t think I’d ever cure it if I could, but it’d be nice to turn the volume down a little…
Anyway, Strange Religion is a song I was listening to when Aimee and I were broken up after the wonderful winter we spent together. Its not that we broke up, but we were playing the “we’re not dating” game all winter, and then I got into a college and decided it’d be too hard to keep it going if I was just going to leave. Despite the fact that our little romance really only lasted 2 months (it felt like an eternity, in the good way. It really astonishes me when I think back to those days and realize it only lasted through October and November) The second Aimee wasn’t in my life, she was all I could think about. I felt like the living dead, like someone else was pulling my strings and making my body drift to work every morning. I couldn’t believe that such a brief romance had had such a huge impact on my life. I felt like she took one of my arms with her. I spent pretty much every day off I had driving aimlessly around, listening to music. When you’re really depressed, especially about one thing in particular, music means everything. This one song broke me down every time I listened to it, and it still does.

Lastly I’d like to mention a fantastic song called “The Trapeze Swinger” by Iron and Wine. I think that this is the end all beat all hands down number one saddest song that was ever written. It just destroys me every time and if you ignore the rest of this blog then you should at the very least listen to that one, or read it’s lyrics. Its another sweet and simple acoustic piece, much like the deathcab one listed above, but the lyrics are just heart breaking. I’m going to post my sad sack playlist next, and the lyrics to the Trapeze Swinger to finish off the blog… Thats it, I hope one of you gets something out of this, these songs hold a strong place in my heart…

(Sidenote, playlist.com playlists cannot be posted on wordpress, so i’ll have to post these tacky music video slideshows…)

Mark Lanegan – Strange Religion

 

Iron And Wine – The Trapeze Swinger

—-HONORABLE MENTIONS!!—-
how could I not post a few more?

Nick Drake – Place To Be
The footage in this video is Nick Drake’s home movies. He was a very reclusive man and only a few photos of him exist. (The ones you’ll see in the video are the only ones) I can’t believe this footage actually exists.

 

Gary Jules- Mad World
The Donnie Darko song. This song almost killed me, and embodied one of the darkest periods of my life. I don’t know how I feel about sharing that with people who don’t really know me, but there it is. Its an amazing song, a perfect song.

Please, remember me, happily,
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin, the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house beneath the hill, and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention

But please remember me, fondly,
i heard from someone you’re still pretty
and then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
have such eloquent graffiti
like: “we’ll meet again” and “fuck the Man”
and “tell my mother not to worry”
and angels with their great handshakes
but always done in such a hurry

and please remember me, at Halloween
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white, by midnight
we’d forgotten one another
and when the morning came I was ashamed
only now it seems so silly
that season left the world and then returned
and now you’re lit up by the city

so please remember me, mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower
call, then pass us by, but much too high
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate just like the gates
around the Holy Kingdom
with words like: “lost and found” and “don’t look down”
and “someone save temptation”

and please remember me, as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior:
a fleeting chance to see a trapeze-
swinger high as any savior

and please remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all i wanted
those dogs that love the rain, and chasin’ trains
the colored birds above there runnin’
in circles round the well, and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter
so bright on cinder gray in spray paint:
“who the hell can see forever?”

and please remember me, seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees, you turn from me
and said the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last, the clowns that passed
saw me just come up with anger
when it filled with circus dogs, the parking lot
had an element of danger

so please remember me, finally
and all my uphill clawing
my dear, but if i make the Pearly Gates
i’ll do my best to make a drawing
of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl
an angel kissin’ on a sinner
a monkey and a man, a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze-swinger

Continuation

I wrote again today! I rarely do anything new two days in a row.
Today it was a little easier. It was actually a little bit easier!
Describing what characters are doing is really difficult, as is writing believable dialogue. For now I just want to get as much down as possible. I think I’ll have a better feel of the characters after I’ve written more. It took over an hour to write a whole page, but I’ve just started on page three now, and I’m psyched. I even got into it at one point and went off on a tangent that actually fit the story.
What I think is really interesting is that I’m writing a fictional story about a fictional boy in a fictional town and everything in it is completely fabricated, and yet things I’ve actually experienced and felt are working their way into the story.
This must be where writers are truly rewarded. Even if you write a work of complete fiction, you are still sharing pieces of yourself with other people, and hopefully they will really get something out of it. This is a silly little piece of fiction that I may never finish and already I feel so attached to it, because its got so much of me hidden in there. Maybe it only holds so much water with me because its so fucking difficult to do, and its really the first real thing I’ve ever attempted.
Anyway, that is what I’ve observed. I can’t wait to get to the scene with the devil, I’ve got such a bizarre personality in mind for him, I can’t wait. I’d write it ahead of time but I worry that having a destination might force the story to stick to a rigid outline. You never know where these things go. Hell, today I added a circus I didn’t know would be there.
Ohhh, hints =)
Someday I’ll post it here *sigh*

On Writing

I began writing today. I mean really writing, I’ve fiddled before with some painstakingly constructed paragraphs and essays, but this is the first time I’ve really tried to write a story.
I had a little ember of an idea yesterday and thought about it all night, then spent most of the afternoon sitting on the couch and jotting down an idea when one would happen to occur to me. After a full day I had basically nothing to go one except a vague idea of what the plot would be and a hazy silhouette of the characters I want to portray.
So, I decided to wing it and start writing. I figure no matter how clunky it is, it’ll be better to have something really bad to fix than to have nothing at all. So I’m plowing along, concentrating on keeping the story moving forward and ignoring how sloppy it is so far. I have never written a real story, and I’ve never ever written dialogue, and it is so HARD. It takes so much work to make it sound genuine!
I’m not ready at all to post what I’ve got so far. I spent a little over an hour on the first page… I can’t wait to get to that part of the journey when I can write for hours and hours without missing a beat. If I keep at it, I’ll get there eventually…

I don’t have a damn post title let me post it anyway!

I worked a whole eight hours today! I’m pretty happy about that. Tomorrow is up in the air; I was hired during a slow period. It’ll pick up again though. Plumbing is really interesting. You have to know how to do a little of everything. We worked three jobs today, one sprinkler job (outdoors) a bathroom job, and another outdoor faucet thing. So its kind of cool to see how varied the career can be. The first house we went to was some rich guy’s house. He lived way up on a hill and he had a hot tub on the back porch overlooking the valley below. He also had orange and lime trees all over the yard. Some people are lucky.

My wife is in the next room watching some horrible rape movie. It sounds really brutal. I don’t like watching rape movies, and I don’t know how Aimee can stand it. A few years ago I would not have cared what was happening to anyone on the screen but now that I actually care about someone else and don’t want to die all the time, I can’t stand to watch that garbage. All I can think about is what it would feel like if it happened to someone I love.

Sighhhhh soon it’ll be over and I can beg her to consider having taco night tonight. Wish me luck! Less inane posts to follow later…

Memory Lane

Took a trip down memory lane today. All my life I’ve had a soft spot for nostalgia. My Achilles’ heel. Remembering the past the wrong way and putting it up on a pedestal can sometimes be dangerous, but in this case it just raised questions. I spent the majority of the afternoon perusing Aimee’s old deadjournal and sifting through the memories there.

Why did it seem like we were happier back then? Not “us” as a couple, but… Life seemed so optimistic and full of possibilities then. We weren’t worrying about anything at all, the only thing that really mattered is that we were together. All we have now is worry. It saddens me that no matter how hard you try, the real world will eventually pierce the comfortable little womb you’ve created for yourself and crush everything you love into dust. I honestly never thought that the outside world would be able to infiltrate our little corner of the universe, but it has and it feels like it is sapping all the innocence and happiness of our relationship.

I’m not implying that we don’t love each other. I’m saying that nowadays I am having trouble finding a reason to smile, or even to let go for just a second.

California is a disaster. I can’t believe how badly its going and I can’t help but think that the universe is giving us such a hard time because we simply weren’t supposed to come out here. I knew it was a pretty hair-brained idea, but there was nothing left on cape. I honestly thought that the universe rewarded those who go with their heart. The one time I go with my heart instead of my fierce, robot-like logic and my sad little life imploded on itself and somehow became even less than it was living in my parent’s basement. Is it possible that the universe is just as sterile and logical as I am?

We are so deeply in debt that I fear we will never get out. I finally have a job that could very possibly take me somewhere, but to start I will be working part time at minimum wage. Mind you, this is only for a month or so, but its tough getting off to a slow start after a long hiatus.  Part of me is glad that I finally found a real chance at an actual career, but the other part of me is disappointed that I’ve gotten myself involved in something that can tether me to this place indefinitely. We don’t have the money to leave right now. We don’t have the money to stay here either. We don’t even have the money to get back home, because gas costs almost five dollars a gallon. Nothing really to even go home to. I can see how people wind up homeless. Most of them end up that way because they are insane or addicted to one substance or another and couldn’t hold it all together. But some people, well, they weren’t bad people necessarily, they just missed one of the stepping stones. Got lost in the cracks somewhere. It seems to me that this is a definite possibility for us right now.

Aimee has always been the one to settle me down and let me know that everything is going to be alright. She grounds me when I start to fly off the handle. But even she is showing cracks in her foundation and that frightens me more than I have words to tell you. Its like watching a parent cry for the first time. I didn’t know you were mortal too. I want someone to tell me that everything is fine, and I want to really know in my heart that yes, everything will find a way to work itself out and there is no need to keep myself up at night. I want to know that if I let go, I will close my eyes and drift along with the current, rather than sink.

I want to be standing back in that poolhall over a year ago, smelling your hair as you settle gently against me, smiling and swaying ever so slightly to whatever song I had picked on the jukebox. I remember how perfectly my arm fit around you. How small and delicate and yet infinite you felt there, the warmth of you settling into me. I remember the way the room blurred and slowed to a trickle, filling with a soft white noise. It made me think of being a boy in winter, how everything sounded so different after the snow fell, after the world was born again as I slept. How it made everything feel far away, like walking through an old memory. I remember feeling the same way with you in my arms at the poolhall, the rest of the world a thousand miles away. I remember inhaling slowly and deeply. Closing my eyes, and dreaming happily of nothing. Absolutely nothing.